Case Study #1 for RingEXchange book - Sally

Sally has been married four times.   Now in her 50s, she is a cyber crime expert and describes herself as "married yet again, but I'm sure this is my last marriage."

Sally's  parents divorced when she was 8; she was one of four children. "Although I remember my parents fighting when I was small, even then I kept hoping I would have a happy marriage one day,"  she recalls. Right after divorce proceedings started, her Mom moved Sally and her sister from New England to Southern California, to be near a good friend.  The three moved around quite a bit and finally settled in Oxnard, California, where Sally went to school from 4th grade through high school.   "Mom would be in a good mood one minute, and a bad mood the next.  I think she was bipolar, but back then it wasn't cool to have a mental illness, so my sister and I dealt with her as best we could."

Sally continues, "My childhood was slightly unhappy.   Before the divorce, we were upper-middle-class, but in California we were on welfare.  I had hand-me-downs and homemade clothes.  I was also sick a lot.  But I became an honor student, a science fair winner, a total nerd.  I was bullied a lot and didn't have too many friends.  Then I skipped my junior year in high school , and in my senior year, I was chosen class secretary, wrote a column for the local newspaper, entered a beauty contest, and was on the drill team.  That year, I had a lot of friends!"

Looking back at her history of relationships, Sally says her first kiss was in the 4th grade.  The boy (now a man) who gave her that kiss contacted her a year ago and asked if she remembered; she didn't!  In elementary school, Sally recalls sneaking out of class to kiss "older" boys who were in the 6th grade.  But in junior high school, she had her first serious romantic relationship, with a tall, handsome, blond-haired boy.  When they went to different high schools, they parted ways.  In high school, Sally briefly became engaged to someone else -- she says her mother was NOT amused by this.  But in senior year, that boy moved to Oklahoma and they broke up. 

After Sally moved back East following high school graduation, she worked at a local restaurant and "had a huge crush on the guitar player in the house band." He was a few years older, and they started dating.  Within a year, they were married by a justice of the peace, with a formal church ceremony "for the family" about a month later.  Sally was 19.  "I had no idea what attributes I was looking for in a marriage partner.  I was young and foolish; he was in a rock band.  Need I say more?"  But then reality set in:  Sally got sick of being on the road with the band, and she and her husband realized that they had fun but they weren't really in love.  Three years later, they split up, amicably.  "We really did remain friends," she comments.

After this, Sally decided she wanted to eventually find the perfect man who had a good career, and have the traditional "little house with a white picket fence."  At 26  -- she had been divorced five years earlier -- she married again, but..."He kept his alcoholism hidden very well.  Also, it turned out that he'd cheated on me, both before AND after our marriage.  Four months after we got married, we left a Halloween party and went home.  He was drunk, began to slap me around, and then tried to strangle me.  I told everyone I was NEVER going to get married again!"

But then..."A friend was singing with a house band and asked me to come to her opening night.  I told her I thought the bass player was cute, and she introduced us on her next break.  He was handsome, funny, and caring.  We became a couple soon after that.  He asked me to marry him five months later, and I did.  I was 31 years old.  He was the first person I dated after I got divorced from my second husband."

Sally goes on, "Then he joined the Marines.  And that's when my life changed.  He had dark moods when he'd get really depressed, but we tried to work through them.  After he got out of the Marines, he went into his family's business.  But in 2006, his dad got cancer.  My husband started drinking every day and ended up in the hospital himself.  I wanted us to see a marriage counselor, but he wasn't keen on that.  We had been married almost 20 years, and I hoped we could save our marriage."

And then, "I had to go to a speaking engagement in New York.  His dad had died the day before.  When I got home, I discovered that my husband had killed himself.  I was devastated."

"About a year after this happened," Sally recalls, "a friend who worked for a dating site kept telling me I was too young to be alone.  So I finally relented, signed up, and eventually met my current husband through the site.  I married him in 2008, when I was 50."

What does Sally now think an "ideal marriage" is?  "Actually, there is no ideal marriage," she says.  "Yes, I finally do have that little house (but no white picket fence), stepkids (who don't live with us), and a dog.  But it's not perfect.  He sometimes does thoughtless things, but I've come to realize it's because he's a man, and they're wired so differently from women.   I've grown to appreciate his good points, such as when he picks flowers from the garden for me, or when he made a wood table and carved 'I love you' with a heart on it for me.  We do have a lot in common, he makes me laugh, and sometimes we get along so well, we say we must be from the same family."

In closing, Sally says, "If I were asked to give advice to someone about to get married for the first time, I would say -- I hope your marriage lasts a long time, but if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world, no matter how bad it seems at the time.  Give marriage another go!" 

Case study #2 for Ring EXchange book - Marilyn

Marilyn has been married four times.  In her late 60s, she has a Ph.D., teaches writing classes and the occasional management seminar.  She and her current husband are now retired and blending their responsibilities for children and grandchildren with community activities and interests.  She comments about her current marriage, "Got it right this time!"

Marilyn, who grew up in a rural area of upstate New Hampshire, was the eldest of two children who lived with happily married parents.  The family was active in church and had cousins and friends who lived nearby.  She comments, "I had a very happy childhood.  We had a comfortable, upper-middle-class  lifestyle with lots of freedom, some responsibilities, and many activities outside of school.  We did change schools often because of the redistricting that went on, but we stayed in the same house."

As for when Marilyn's first boyfriend appeared on the scene, she recalls, "That was in the fifth grade. I actually had several proposals from boys I walked to grade school with. I was quite impressed with that! Dating, and my first serious romantic relationship, came in junior high." 

Marilyn was engaged for the first time at age 19, and married at 20 -- interestingly enough, she was one of the last people in her high school class to marry.  At the time, the qualities she was looking for in a marriage partner were:  ethnic, religious, and educational similarity, attractive, common interests.  But at 19, she had a pretty vague idea of what an "ideal marriage" might be -- equal partners, mutual support, lots of friends, activities we could do together.

Her first marriage lasted 18 years and, as Marilyn remarks, "I spent years and years trying to make that marriage work.  So I experienced a lot of guilt feelings about the fact that I was unhappy.  Basically, my first husband was a nice, responsible man.  In fact, we're still friends, and the kids love him.  But he's a scientist and not in touch with ordinary reality.  I was often lonely, and the loneliness led to my fooling around.  But then I would feel so guilty after doing that, I knew I would have to leave the marriage in order to be able to live with myself from a moral point of view."

Marilyn continues, "After my first divorce, I couldn't wait to get into a more positive relationship.   In hindsight, what happened was that I rushed into a second marriage, with someone I thought would be fun.  It turned out that he was an alcoholic, and the alcoholism ultimately took his life when he was just 48.  We had been married for 14 years.  Before he died, he really did a lot of damage -- to me, to the kids, and to our budget."

After her second marriage ended with the death of her husband, Marilyn never said to herself, "I'll never remarry."  Instead, she just vowed to do better next time.  "Now I was very sure about what I didn't want: addicts, and absent-minded, physically absent scientists.  What I did want was a good companion, a real partner."

"Shortly after my second husband died," Marilyn goes on, "I met a widower who worked as a manager for one of my client companies.  He was bright, attractive, ethical, and interested.  We dated for a few months and then had a small family wedding.  It was 1995; I was 53."

Relating a shocking turn of events, Marilyn says, "We left for our honeymoon in Cabo San Lucas, and had a magical five days before my new husband died of a massive heart attack."

After that completely unforeseen event, Marilyn was in shock for a while.  When she decided she was ready to date again, she knew that her goal was still to find a life companion and partner, but preferably a healthy one.  She dated about eight men before becoming involved with the man who is her current husband.  They married in 1997.

Marilyn now has this picture of what comprises an "ideal marriage":  "For me, an ideal marriage means putting your partner's interests above your own, at least part of the time; being with each other's friends and family; taking a lively interest in each other's health and happiness; building memories together; planning a future together; and working together for the community, the church, and the environment.  The list of attributes I used to have for an ideal husband have evolved into some non-negotiables and a lot of negotiables that make up the ideal marriage."

Marilyn and her current husband have an activity that they call "earning martyr points"  -- for engaging in, or tolerating, any activity one partner dislikes but the other partner likes.  This is not a formal process with scorekeeping and figuring out how much a certain "sacrifice" is worth, but just an opportunity to become more aware of the other partner's likes and dislikes.  The martyr points are now more of a joke, used to ease tension when one partner is making an unreasonable request of the other.  Sometimes one partner will do an activity alone or with friends, if the other one really does not want to participate. The couple also makes an effort to find activities, such as tai chi, that both of them enjoy.

"And," she adds meaningfully," this is the magic element to an ideal marriage: Give each other a lot of space and trust."

Case Study #3 for Ring EXchange book - Vincent

Vincent has been married five times.  Now in his early 60s, he is a retired college professor and author who holds multiple B.A. degrees.   Vincent owns a private practice in the healing arts on the West Coast.  His two grown male children live in other parts of the U.S.  He says of his current relationship, "It is perfect.  We are similar in our likes and habits, despite a significant age difference."

Raised by happily married parents in a lower-middle-class background, Vincent has  a younger brother.  They had a stable life, insofar as they stayed in the same home and the boys went to the same schools.  However, Vincent describes his childhood as only moderately happy, since his mother and father were quite strict with their children.

When did he have his very first girlfriend?  "I was 14; the relationship lasted about a year."  Vincent recalls that his first romantic experience took place at age 17, and his first serious romantic relationship occurred the following year, when he was 18.  That relationship led to his first marriage, at 19 1/2.  "We met in community college.  I wanted to be responsible."

But that first marriage ended in a couple of years because Vincent caught his young wife cheating on him.  Despite that unhappy discovery, he was not disillusioned about marriage, and in fact was open to the possibility of remarrying.

And he did remarry, at 23, but that wife turned out to be mentally unstable and a crack addict;  he divorced for the second time.  Soon after the divorce, he started dating again;  one woman he was dating had a young child whom Vincent had grown very attached to (he admits, "I actually fell in love with her boy and wanted to help raise him").  He proposed to the woman, and they got married.  Although that union did not last long either, because his wife was an alcoholic, Vincent adopted her 6-year-old boy.  When his ex-wife decided to move to another state with her older child, but not with the younger boy, Vincent became a single dad. 

After his third divorce, loneliness was a big factor in Vincent's decision to start dating yet again.  This time he was 32 when he married, and that marriage lasted for 20 years.  Then "mutual disillusionment" set in.  After being involved in a bad motorcycle accident that had taken him six years to recover from, he rethought the basics of how he wanted to live.  Although his wife assumed that Vincent would continue to be a hard-driving corporate business owner, which he had been when they met, his idea of what was important to him had completely changed.  His choice was to lead retreats, establish a private practice in the healing arts, and live a more or less contemplative life.   So it became quite obvious that the couple was interested in following completely different life paths.  Eventually, they divorced. And this time, Vincent was single for eight years before he married for a fifth time. 

Vincent says that actually he has always been  looking for these attributes in all his marriage partners -- honesty, intelligence, sincerity, humor, and sexual compatibility.  But it wasn't until his current marriage partner that he found that entire combination of attributes in one person.

Calling the relationship "a miracle" and "delightful," Vincent says the couple has their own private "sign language" that they use at a party, for example, to alert the other partner -- from across the room -- that it's time to go home.  And they have a process that he calls "Mind Meld," where the couple literally "puts their heads together" and then tap their hearts, to show that they are in sync.

Vincent met his current wife through a mutual colleague, and remarried, for the fifth time, at age 60.  It's this marriage that, he says, is really "ideal."  He explains, "Sometimes couples have complementary styles -- as in, opposites attract.  But this is so much better, because we are very similar in our outlook and our tastes -- we even have the same songs on our iPods! After learning so many lessons from past relationships, this relationship seems effortless.  We have clear, open communication, a joyful energy, a strong friendship, and a spiritual connection that is very blessed."

Case Study #4 for Ring EXchange book – Evan (Real Name)

Evan has actually been married 14 times -- but...and here's the surprising part...each of those 14 times, he's been married to the same woman! 

A  40-year-old speaker, best-selling author, and global entrepreneur, Evan is indeed very happily married;  he and his wife have two children and a stable relationship.  They have simply chosen to affirm their love (in an unusual way) by renewing  their vows annually, each year in a different state or country.

"I was 26 when we first got married," Evan recalls, "and that's when we decided to remarry every year in a different location.  At that time we had no money and no idea how we would pull off our imaginative idea.  We just made the decision, and then found a way to make it happen."

So far, some of the places the couple has been married are: at the Versailles Garden in Paris; at a 300-year-old windmill in Germany;  in the water, surrounded by dolphins, at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas; on the beach in Washington state; at the Excalibur Hotel in Las Vegas, where they were King and Queen; on the beach in Maui, Hawaii; and in a little church with a great view in Park City, Utah. 

Evan explains further:  "One year my bride chooses where we will remarry, and the next year I do.  Half the fun is just planning the whole adventure.  This year, for example, we've decided to renew our vows in a hot air balloon over Santa Fe, New Mexico." 

Most of the couple's friends and family are very, very excited and supportive about the annual renewing of vows.  "In fact, they sort of live vicariously through us," Evan observes.  One friend, though, when he learned that Evan and Susan will do their ceremony this year in a hot air balloon, remarked, "My marriage is definitely going in the opposite direction from yours!"

Usually a pastor officiates at the annual marriages for Evan and his bride, but one year they asked a good friend to preside over the ceremony.  "It was a blessing, to him and to me," Evan comments. 

So far there have been no complications, from a legal or tax standpoint, to the annual vow renewals.   "We have our original marriage license from our first wedding in our home state, California. So we don't apply for paperwork in other states because we're only renewing the original vows we made."

Evan was born in California to parents who divorced when he was about 4 years old.   After the divorce, during the week he and his brother stayed with his mother and went to his father's house on the weekends.  "I had a great childhood," Evan recalls, "but I didn't know how much damage the divorce had done until I was in my mid-30s.  I had really needed a father figure when I was a kid, and my dad simply wasn't around."  Evan's mother never remarried;  his father remarried,  then divorced, and is now married for a third time.

Evan and his brother grew up in a very happy, middle-class background.  "We had the stability of staying at the same school.  Mom moved to a condo about 10 miles away from our original home, and she made sure we were loved and very well taken care of."

As a young person, Evan had his first romantic experience in high school, and his first serious romantic relationship a few years later, when he was 19.  "The woman I was involved with was a little older, more established and much more mature than I.  Thank goodness this situation did not lead to marriage!  The relationship was founded only on physical pleasure, and that only lasts so long."

When Evan was younger, the attributes he was looking for in a marriage partner are not necessarily what he needs and wants now, at 40.  "My bride and I have grown together, and that's good, to be in a mutual growth process."

As for his picture of an "ideal marriage" before he got married: "I definitely did not want to be one of those guys who get married and then become fat and miserable.  I knew that I wanted to live my dreams, and also to live 'happily ever after' with my wife."

Now, Evan says he has a new picture of what an "ideal marriage" is.  "My bride and I still live 'happily ever after,'  but the seasons of life are constantly changing -- what with raising children, moving, career demands.  So I think that an ideal marriage is something that responds to the changing seasons of life.  After you have children, everything changes! We don't have the same quantity of time to spend with each other that we did before the kids came along, so instead we focus on the quality of time we can spend together.  We didn't want to look at each other after the kids are grown and say, 'Who are you?'"

Case Study #5 for Ring EXchange book - Barbara

Barbara has been married five times.  A 60-year-old tech writer with degrees in Engineering and Biblical Studies, her hobbies are "spending time with kids and old people."  She is originally from New York, but now lives in California.  Barbara has been happily married to her fifth husband, who is ten years younger than she, for sixteen years.

During her childhood, Barbara grew up in a middle-class home; she has one brother.  Her father was a factory worker, and her mother was a seamstress.  "There was a lot of hurt, because my father was abusive to my mother. And I remember them fighting all the time."  Her parents divorced when she was 9, and her mother's economic status rapidly went downhill, from middle-class to "poor."  Barbara only saw her dad a couple of times a year, and that made her sad, because she missed him.  She and her mother and brother always stayed in the same town while she was growing up, but relocated to different homes several times within that town.

At the age of 11, Barbara was sent off to work as a tailor's apprentice, and stayed at that job until she was 16. Child labor laws were certainly ignored at that New York tailor's shop. The tailor abused her sexually for years, but Barbara did not tell anyone about it for a long time.  The abuse, however, caused her to have many fears and feelings of guilt that stayed with her. 

For part of each year, Barbara was sent to live with her aunt in Bermuda, where she was quite happy.

Her first boyfriend in junior high used to eat lunch with her in the school cafeteria.  In high school, Barbara dated a football player -- she was a sophomore, and he was a senior.  The first time Barbara married, she was 19 and in college.  She had a son, who is now 39, with her first husband, but the couple divorced two years later.  She was 22 when she married the second time, and the union lasted for eleven years.  Her third, very brief, marriage was at 35.   Barbara's fourth marriage at 37 also produced a son, who is now 22.  Each time she was divorced, it was her husband who filed;  Barbara was the one who packed up and left. 

When she met the man who is now her fifth husband, she was sure she was "done with marriage."  But he convinced her to think otherwise.  The night before they were going to get married in 1995, her husband-to-be was under the impression that she had been married once or twice before.  He definitely did not realize that she had been married four other times!  Barbara was afraid of what he would say when he saw all four of her previous last names on the application for the marriage license.  So, hours before they were about to head to the marriage license office, she "came clean" and told him the exact number of her previous marriages.  He was cool with the disclosure, assured her it was okay and that everything would be just fine.

Here is a humorous example that clearly shows how considerate and thoughtful Barbara's current husband is:  "We went to a dear friend's wedding.  We had been there since early morning, helping with preparations, and now we were sitting at the wedding reception.  Lovely music was playing.  My husband invited me to dance, but I quickly declined.  He gently asked, 'Do your feet hurt?'  I nodded yes.  My feet were in undeniable pain.  I was wearing gorgeous, but very uncomfortable, high-heeled shoes."

"As soon as I nodded yes, my sweet husband unbuttoned his jacket and pulled out a very pretty pair of ballet slippers that were the exact color of my dress!  My mouth fell open in surprise.  He tenderly put the slippers on my feet, and we danced like a couple of teenagers for the rest of the night."

Before she got married for the first time, Barbara had no clue about what an "ideal marriage" might be like.  Now that she is in a very happy marriage, she says, "I finally know what it's like to be loved, cherished, and respected. "  Her picture of an "ideal marriage" these days is very specific:  "Two people who are already happy, satisfied, mature, thinking adults, but who could be happier if they were married.  It's so important to listen to each other, to respect each other, and to promote each other's best interests.  Do what you can for each other."